Luke's Tuberous Sclerosis Page
Marriage Issues |
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Two people typically marry when they fall in love and desire to spend their life together supporting one another through the trials we may face. There are many things that test the bond of couple relationships. Some of those things may include death of loved ones, financial hardship, in-laws, illness, and jobs to name a few. Even though these two people are united as one, they are unique individuals and react differently to circumstances and stress. Not only do individuals posses different coping strategies, but men and women typically react differently to situations. When encountering stress, a couple will more than likely react differently. This may vary from denial, fear, fatigue, depression, confusion, searching for information, thinking only of the worst, thinking only of the best, trying to escape, trying to suppress family and be strong for the other partner, trying to manage the big picture, or trying to manage one day at a time to name a few. One partner may need to talk to people or the other partner may need to quietly work through the difficulty. There are many methods to cope with stress. As partners, we need to respect the pain or conflict that an individual is feeling and respect their method of coping. We also need to try to guide and support our partner if we identify unhealthy mechanisms like depression. I believe it helps not only to understand a person's comfortable coping mechanisms but also to recognize what stage of acceptance they are in. Stages of acceptance include surviving, searching, setting in and separating. The reaction of a person may also depend on what stage of acceptance they are in. The stages may be not only experienced differently but also at different times. The preoccupation of searching may interfere with your relationship. Conflict may be felt in that one parent may want to seek aggressive treatment and the other one may want to wait and see. At this initial stage there may be some doubt as to whether the marriage can handle the stress. At this time, try to be confident that the stress, pain and feelings will pass and the next time you experience it you will both be more experienced and confident. Also know that there will be times when you will differ on the decision making or judging the severity of your child's needs. It is okay to have different feelings on a subject, but to work through them and come to some kind of agreement. It was facinating when we first were going through the acceptance and understanding of having a child with special needs, we were at first completely solidified with one another. After the initial shock, we found it frustrating to talk to one another about our feelings. I was dealing with the entire picture of Luke's condition. Todd was only dealing with it one day at a time. He would only consider or think about the problem that was at hand. I was madly searching for information, wanting to know all of the possible outcomes and implications for our family. I found it facinating that the two people that were experiencing so much similarity of feelings weren't talking. Our parents and friends couldn't understand the depth of our emotions, but as the parents of our child we were the ones to be most empathetic with each other. Only after understanding the different stages of acceptance and different coping mechanisms that we had were we able to completely support one another. What comfort and joy we have subsequently felt from one another. My husband and I know each other so intimately after going through the acceptance of our child's special needs. We understand each others coping mechanisms and are more capable of supporting one another. It is okay to be different and to react differently to situations. We have to use those differences to be assets. I came across a statistic that 80% of parents with special need children are divorced. It terrified me, that my child with special needs might possibly not have the benefits of having two parents together. Todd and I have decided to live high maintenance lives in regards to our family life. We routinely go on dates on every available Friday evening just the two of us. The babysitting money is budgeted in and is made a priority. We talk and visit and meet each others needs. We encourage each other in our hobbies and never attack each others self-esteem. I make sure I have hobbies and am well balanced so that I am not frustrated when Todd comes home. I have lots of friends to visit with and friends for the kids to play with. We play as a family each evening; Todd also participates in hobbies to ensure that he doesn't feel like all he does is work. We set aside Monday evenings as family time where we play with the kids and teach them any principles that we feel we need to review. The topics have included kindness to animals, loving one another, gospel principles, etc... or we may just go out for ice cream. We keep our finances manageable so that we do not inflict any unneccessary stress on our family. These are just a few of the things that we attempt to do; they may not be unusual or exempt from other families, but we feel this kind of maintanence helps the strength of our family and is our attempt to set us up for success. MARCH 2004 Well I am now divorced. I don't know if there is much advice I can give on marriage and having a child with special needs. There is additional stress that a child with special needs has on parents. You need to work hard to decrease stress in ones' lives and marriages so that things can survive. I think also clinging to basic moral codes to not complicate the dynamics of a marriage. Also committing to ourselves to maintain our own, partner, and childrens' mental health long term. I wish all of you the very best in your marriages. I do believe that these special needs children need their parents and hopefully together intact in a family setting. But I do have to say I have found a wonderful new companion to co-parent Luke and my sons with my x-husband. I think it is important to be healthy and maintain the best healthy relationship with your ex. This home page is intended to be a family resource for families affected by Tuberous Sclerosis. It does not intend to constitute medical advise. Viewers are warned not to take any action with regard to medical treatment relying on the information provided on this page without first consulting the patient's physician.
Deanna Runyan-Wall E-mail address: deannadawn@lukets.org Last updated: April 5, 2008 Created: December 5, 1996 |
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A SPECIAL NEEDS MOM BLOG JOYFUL & JUGGLING
WATCH LUKE'S FOOTBALL TOUCHDOWN ON INSIDE EDITION
LUKE'S Tuberous Sclerosis LIFE STORY
A MOTHER'S JOURNAL of Accepting Tuberous Sclerosis
PRACTICAL FAMILY RESOURCES |
